Taste Of His Heart

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     Love is tricky, to say the least.  You feel a large compassion towards someone for what feels like forever in the moment, but then that moment fades, and all you are left with an aching hole that that love once filled.  That's how I felt when my husband Nathan left me.  It wasn't that we never got along, no.  It was him who changed and not me.  He was no longer the man I fell in love with, and he made sure I knew that.  Oh!  I need to check the broth!  *sips*  Ah!  The brew is coming along nicely!  Now, where was I.... Ah, yes!  Nathan!

      I fell in love with Nathan when I was a young girl.  I was fresh out of high school, and ready to head off to college.  I wanted to study and become a marketing specialist and sell my own line of clothing at the time.  *chuckles* Ah!  Such childish times!  I see now how naive I was in my ambitions, and in my relationship with him.  He was a very attractive young man at the time.  He always wore the finest clothes and had an air around him that just made me eager to be around him.  I was too eager to meet him and fell for him far too quickly.

     We introduced ourselves and found ourselves spending a lot of time together, both in one of my classes and outside of class.   As time passed, we began to grow closer and closer.  It didn't take longer than a year for him to decide to propose to me.  I was too naive to see his true nature then and happily accepted the ring he claimed to have bought for me.  After doing a bit of scrying the night of our honeymoon, I found out that the ring he claimed to have bought just for me had been stolen from a wealthy family in Virginia.

     I should have been more honest now that I think back on all of the mistakes we made together, but I feel I was more genuine towards him than he was towards me.  I should have told him that I come from a line of practicing witches, but every time I wanted to share something personal with him, he would usually claim that I never gave him enough time for him to open up to me.  I could have seen for myself back then how he was slowly trying to manipulate me, but I was too blinded by my love towards him!  *sigh*  Thinking back on those times frustrates me.  Oh!  It's time to make sure I've added in enough salt and rosemary!  Mmm!  It's coming along nicely now.  I've lost track of time and almost forgot to check on the aroma of the brew.  Now again, where was I, oh yes!  The real meat of the issue is what I really need to get off of my chest.

     It's always difficult to hold back everything that I've been through, so when I wasn't talking with Nathan about my issues, or at least trying to talk to him, I would end up writing down everything else in a small journal.  I would keep most things to myself, but I found myself needing an outlet for whenever things were at their toughest.
I'd sometimes write song lyrics down that I had heard before or would come up on my own.  I would find myself humming along to the song and would sometimes use it as a spell to make something come true.  I wish I could have made a spell to change him, but there was nothing I could do to change who he was.

     In truth, as I watched him in my mind changed from an angel to a demon, I was really only watching him remove the beautiful mask, the image of him that I fell in love with.  The cruel, dark, and relentless Nathan showed his face about a year after our honeymoon.  Our honeymoon, now that was something truly magical!  Journeying by cruise ship across the world for two entire months, and spending each day with each other, side by side, there was nothing that made me happier.  We ate the finest meals, saw the most beautiful sights, and traveled the most beautiful parts of the world during the day, and at night, the romance, the sex.... it was like the most beautiful and lucid dream that you remembered, and never wanted to forget.  But like I said, he showed his true colors as the year passed on.

     Nathan would come home late from the bar, having been drinking with his friends, and would often gamble too much.  He lost an entire paycheck one time he went out gambling and was borrowing money to pay off his bills ever since that night.  He would verbally abuse me when he would come home, telling me how I wasn't as fit as he liked, or that my facial complexion wasn't clear and looked ugly.  He continued to tell me how imperfect I was in every way he could conceive.  He began calling me his "personal slut" and his "work bitch".   He would even demand that I put on my nurse uniform and try to "dress sexy" for him, and if I refused, he would pull out the pocket knife he would play with at work and would slice at my legs.  He demeaned me till it became unbearable.  But the emotional and physical pain from his abuse did not compare to the betrayal I felt after the night I caught him cheating on me.

     He had left his phone on his bedside dresser one morning when he was running late to work and had forgotten to grab it before he left.  I would have been getting ready to go to my job down at the clinic, but his phone was too tempting.  I opened his phone, only to be confronted with a series of messages between him and another woman.  It devastated to read the messages they had been sending back and forward, many of them sexual, but none of that could prepare me for what came at the end of that week.  I had tried to push those messages to the back of my mind, trying to convince myself that he wasn't as bad as I thought he was, but there was no hiding who Nathan was.

     I got home from work late at night a few days ago and walked in on Nathan and a woman, not just fucking, but fucking on my bed with her wearing one of my spare nurse outfits.  I was in shock and in despair when I opened the door and froze to see them going at it.  It took about a moment for Nathan to realize I had walked into the room, but without skipping a heartbeat or an attempt at an excuse, he forced me out of the room.  "Get out!  Get out of my room, bitch!"  He pushed me to the floor and began to undress me in his drunken stupor.  I tried to fight him, but he was much stronger than me.  I tried to push away, do anything I could to get him off of me, but there was nothing I could do to fight him.  The other woman moved towards us, but rather than trying to get Nathan off of me, she pinned my arms to the floor as Nathan began to undress me.  They both raped me that night and left my apartment quickly after they were done with me.

     I couldn't help but feel pain and loss.  Not only did Nathan destroy my confidence, emotionally abuse me beyond my limits, and betray my love and loyalty, but he decided to rape me as well alongside his new companion.  After laying on the floor, broken and abused for what felt like hours, I decided I had endured enough of his torment.  I had no compassion for him, or for any man like him.  I brought out all of my old spell books and supplies and began to work on just the right concoction to get back at him, but nothing seemed severe to me enough for what he did, so I began to sing one of my favorite songs, "I Put A Spell On You" by Nina Simone.  I started singing the part of the verse where she describes to her lover how he needs to stop being unloyal.  I sealed the spell with the famous line from the song.  "I put a spell on you because you're mine."  And once the spell had been sealed, I uttered just one word out loud.  "COME"!

     Almost like a trained police dog, Nathan came back to my apartment
He walked into the living room, disorganized and slurred like a zombie.  I could never tell if it was from the alcohol or from my spell.  In any case, he arrived back and was furious at me.  "What did you do to me, Catherine?!  Why can't I move my own legs?  Why am I back at your shit place."

     My fury had grown to a boiling point.  "You have hurt me and betrayed me for long enough!  Now it's time for you to feel what I feel!"  He muttered another curse at me and began to rush towards me with his knife aimed at my neck.  I raised my hand and uttered "Stop!" and his body froze in place, unable to move or shift.

     "What have you done to me, you cunt?"  I motioned across my lips with my hands like I was zipping my lips shut and forced him to grow silent.  I began to utter a rhyming spell command and watched as it all unfolded.

     "For all those times you would throw your fits, claiming that everything was on the fritz, slice your skin till it splits, and slice yourself to bits."

     He tried to fight back, but his body was mine to control.  He slowly cut himself apart, first skinning his torso and removing all of his vital organs from inside, then he began to remove his limbs and slowly bleed out as he tried to meaninglessly apologize to me.  I was beyond apologies.  The mess was difficult to clean up, but it was nothing that a solid witch couldn't handle.  All of this reminds me of something my grandmother would say.  "Times and traditions may change, but one thing never changes, a man should never play with a woman's heart.  One taste is all it takes before he is devoured."  I feel now that the taste of Nathan is so much sweeter in death than it was in life.  His meat will serve me well, even though it will never fill the hole in my heart that he created.  Maybe I'll find love again someday, but certainly not today.   In all of the time that I knew Nathan, I suppose I never did get to see his genuine heart.  At least now I will finally get to taste it.

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