The Love I Once Had

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       The love I once had for you was gone, and now, with the tears from the skies up above weep of our love in your final moments.  I wanted to save you from my torment, but you never listened.  You always stepped in for me, telling me that you would always be there for me no matter what happened to me...or how far the madness dragged me down.  I had told you that I was getting worse, but you never listened to me.  I....I say this through gritted tears that I'm sorry for what I did.  

       "Please....don't blame yourself.  Your madness is what drove my life to its end."

        And as I hold you in my arms, I only wonder why I did what I did.  You had come home tonight of all nights to find my frustrated, maddened self-slumped over a cooked steak that I had failed to prepare properly for you as you wanted.  I only wanted to make you happy after having come home from a hard day at work but the madness overtook me "You're no good!  You call yourself a cook?  You'll only poison your beloved boyfriend.  You should just take that blade and pierce your chest.  Carve the words 'I am nothing' into your skin.  You are a worthless shell of a human who deserves not even the kindness of that man's presence.  YOU SHOULD DIE!"

        I slowly worked the meat stained knife into the skin of my chest, exposing fresh flesh and slowly carved the words clearly in my body, almost without any regret or remorse.  I could only feel an overwhelming force to carve the words into my body, the searing pain the blade made upon my flesh, and the trickling blood that began to flow from the open wound.  I made sure that I could see the words clearly in the new sink that you had bought for our house.  We were going to be married soon, and we already had our house's first payment out of the way.  We were prepared to have a lifetime of happiness, but my madness from years past overtook me.  I couldn't ignore it, the madness followed me into my later life and forced me to do those things.  The night you came home to find me nearly about to drink dangerous and powerful household cleaners, the other night you found me ready to drop my hand dryer into our bathtub and electrocute myself, and the night you came home and found me taking pill after pill in hopes of ending the voice in my mind.

       I did those things because the voice never left me, and would only give me praise whenever I wanted to harm myself....or harm others.  The voice took pride in watching me cause harm to others.  The nights where dogs would go missing, and would turn up in the forest behind our house having been chopped up, the voices compelled me to kill them.  The wild raccoon problem that our neighborhood had two months ago, I made sure to bury them deep in the ground to not arouse disease....or suspicion.  The two robbers who were never found....well, their body parts will be much harder to obtain than the stolen goods they had taken from all of the neighbors.  The sound of bones breaking, the muffled screams, the warm blood pleased the voice.  "GOOD!  You must kill more.  MORE!"  The voice's bloodlust never stopped.  My madness would force me to do despicable things to animals and people alike.  Oh!  If only you had seen the flames just the night before in the forest when I lied and said I had to go visit a friend for an emergency.  You would have seen me destroying the evidence and thought well to save yourself.  But no, your trust for me was too great.

      The night I carved the words "I am nothing" into my chest, you came in flustered from a hard day at work, only to see my blood and break into bewilderment.  "What the fuck is wrong with you?  I come home after a hard day at work to find you harming yourself AGAIN?   That's it!  You need help!"  You didn't even give me a chance to explain how I needed your help more than an ambulance or the police, but you brushed me aside.  You went to reach for the phone and tried to call the police, even as I ran up to you, begging for you to listen to me.  But that's when you angered the madness.  You struck me and flung me to the ground.  The voice boomed in my mind and forced my hands to act on their own.  "You deserve nothing!  DIE!"  The blade stuck quickly into your chest, the handle turning violently as the tears of my anguish and loss of control over my own actions began to fall.  I never wanted to hurt you.  I only wanted your help, but our love had fallen apart.  

      You tried to walk away from the phone, shambling away a broken man and ended up slumping down upon the floor.  I carried your body out to where I buried the terrible past of my madness, you now being a mistake of my growing madness.  

       "I'm sorry that I didn't help."

And with your body as a reminder of the terror that is my madness, you will be burned here, as another reminder of my mistakes.  And once the flames have engulfed you and you leave for the final time, I will collect the ashes.  This madness has taken me and made me into a monster, someone who I no longer recognize.  The best apology I can give you is to never forget you, no matter how far my madness drags me down.  I will always keep a small amount of you in our memory necklace as the love I once had.  



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