The Lies I Tell Myself (Denial)

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            I often tell myself lies to make myself feel better.  I would do it as a child because I didn't always get what I wanted, much like everyone else.  But that didn't stop me from feeling that one day I could be a princess or a queen!  I always wanted to be something big, even though I came from no money, had no support, and wasn't famous for anything memorable.  I was the lead singer in my band before they kicked me out.  I was a great singer, and I wrote some pretty good songs, but the lead guitarist was my ex-boyfriend, and he wouldn't stop pressuring me to get back together with him.  He wanted to continue being in a relationship with me, and he couldn't see through his own denial that we were over.  So, once I had confronted him on the matter, he kicked me out of the band.  I suppose that it was better that I left him that night, rather than stick around and let him continue to abuse me....I mean argue with me anymore.  I left that night and never looked back.

           I drove back to his apartment and began to pack my things.  I wasn't gonna stay in that apartment with him any longer than I already did.  I grabbed my clothes out of his closet, packed my few picture frames and valued jewelry, and grabbed my phone.  I grabbed my things and placed them all in a box and loaded them into the back of my car.  I was fed up dealing with him and was planning to drive back home to my hometown in Texas.  He called me up about half an hour into my drive away from the city.  "Where are you going, Vanessa?"  I remained silent for a couple of minutes as I continued my drive away from the city.  "You know that you can't just leave us, right?  You don't just owe me, you owe the band!"  It wasn't like I haven't heard the same shpeal from him before

           "Lenny, you've told me this before, and I already paid up my dues to the band.  You can keep the mics and the amps.  I'm done!"

            As much as I wanted the conversation to end there, I knew that he would still be persistent, but he kept on.  "No!  You will refer to me as Conduit, or I'll make sure you truly regret leaving us, Vanessa!"  He treated me more of an as object, made only to please him, and less of as a person.  Some girls will complain that their boyfriends didn't treat them right, well I'm not the type to complain about the little things.  Lenny wasn't right in the head.  He would abuse me....I mean argue with me every time that he got home from work, and would hit....I mean yell at me for some stupid shit that went on at work.  I swear....that guy just wasn't right in the head.

            "I'm done dealing with you Lenny!  This is the last call I take from you!  Don't call me again!" And after all of that was said and done, I hung up the phone and turned it off.

             I was taking the side road on the way to Dallas when my car was hit....I mean veered off the road, and I crashed into a tree.  That's when I was found by a stranger....I mean friend by the name of Wilfred Keen.  He took...I mean helped me into the bed of his truck and took me to his home.  I stayed there and rested up for awhile in his madhouse....I mean lovely home.  He contained me....I mean kept me in the basement...I mean safe room of his house.   He was a kind man with his own set of insanity...I mean troubles.  There were some times where we fought, sometimes where we agreed, but once I had heard the bombs....I mean lights go off outside of the house, I knew that I was safer inside.

             I stayed there for about a month before the cruel treatment.....I mean uncomfortable behavior of Mr. Keen made me escape...I mean to leave his home.  My departure was less than pleasant, and I don't believe that Mr. Keen survived...I mean will be talking with me anytime soon.  I escaped...I mean left in a gas suit to protect me from the nuclear fallout....I mean foul air outside since I'm not accustomed to it.  I left that house and never looked back.  I drove off in his truck and proceeded to continue on my way towards Dallas.  Traffic was broken down....I mean stalled by the dead....I mean distracted people who were keeping traffic from moving towards the city.  I did see some strange things, though.  I saw a zom....I mean a beast eating a carcass on the side of the road.  It began to run and scream at me, but I kept driving.  I began to see more zom....I mean sick people shamble towards me as I made it to the city.  As I slowly made my way into the city, there were more zom....zombies who were following me in.  The city was in shambles....I mean in disarray as I drove in and started to look for sanctuary.

(I need to start accepting the fact that I can't go back to how things were before.)

End of Denial


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