I Don't Have Dreams...I Live In a Nightmare

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       I've been hesitant to say this...because it's such an unusual topic.  In all truthiness, I haven't had dreams in many years.  The last "dream" if you can call it that involved me accepting a call from my sister.  She spoke in a monotone voice, which was very strange for someone like her, and what she told me next was even more disturbing.  She informed me of how my uncle had visited my home in my hometown earlier in the day and how he decided to go and visit our dogs in the backyard.  However, my dog randomly attacked my uncle and mauled him to death.  My mother called in animal control, which is not something that my mother would normally do, and worse yet, my dog killed the animal control specialists who tried to contain him.  My dog broke free and went on a rampage around my neighborhood.  My sister told me this story all while being in a monotone voice, void of emotion.  That "dream" occurred many months ago, and before that dream, I had not had a single dream in any form for many years.  That one dream was the only dream I have had in years, but that hasn't stopped me from experiencing weird things when I sleep....or when I'm awake.

       I've woken up some nights with shadows that appear like hands or appendages reaching out to me beyond the walls of my room.  The shadows were always so close but remained unable to reach me.  They continue to move closer and closer to me every night.  And during the day, when I am unable to be phased by shadows, I hear voices instead.  Sometimes the voices are helpful, but sometimes they are abrasive.  "What the fuck are you doing you worthless piece of shit!  Those assholes were right about you.  You're a dumb faggot.  You should have tried again on killing yourself.  That gun could only fail once, it won't fail again.  No one wants you, and you will die forgotten."  These are just a few of the things that I hear occasionally from the voices in my head.  As real as some of them may sound, I have learned to separate them from me.  However, there are days where they have a stronger hold on me.

       For example, many years ago, I tried to kill myself, in order to escape these voices.  However, every attempt I made on my life failed.  From attempting to hang myself, to attempting to crush my throat with several hundreds of pounds of pressure, to attempting to shoot myself through the brain.  Each and every single attempt ended up in failure.  The voices cheered me on during every attempt, but showered me with disdain and hatred after each failure.  They continued to torture me...until I decided enough was enough.  The night of my final failed suicide attempt, I imagined myself in my dreams separating myself from those voices and any ways that they could haunt me during my sleep, as this was the only time I ever found solace from them.  And I believe that is where my problem stems from.

       I try to show emotion during social situations, but I almost never reveal any true emotions about myself, part of this is to protect my self esteem, and part is to protect me from those voices.  As much as I hate to admit it, I never really accepted the voices, but rather tried to contain them.  However, as I found out recently when I underwent the most stress I have had in years, these voices are almost impossible to contain anyways.  What I do to contain them becomes almost meaningless under a large amount of stress.  I essentially have created a dam to help prevent an overflow from these voices, but large amounts of stress put strain on the dam and allow for the voices to seep through.

       Over time, I have found that these voices will continue to haunt me, and are a part of me.  What I fear is what could happen to me and the others around me if I allow them control.  These voices are not only abrasive towards me, they are also occasionally abrasive towards others.  They only speak with abrasive words, because I do not allow them to indulge in abrasive actions.  When I did those actions to myself, they chanted in my favor and praised my actions.  Part of the reason I believe that I no longer dream is because of my mental dam against the voices and my void of safety.  However, this dam of protection is very finite and brittle, and will likely rupture one day.  So I fear the day that the voices take control over me, because if they ever do, my life will likely become a living nightmare.  


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      This creepypasta was a bit personal to me, and I was afraid to post it for a very long time.  Yes, many of the events listed in this story are very real and have all happened to me during several parts of my life.  Mental illness is not something to be taken lightly, and should be approached with caution and concern.  If you or a loved one are experiencing any of the above symptoms, please speak up.  It would mean so much to me and to the people around you for doing so.  The only way we can make a difference in mental health awareness is if we speak up.  I hope you enjoyed this special creepypasta, and that you have a frighteningly wonderful day.  

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